CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Pip Visits Estella and Miss Havisham Again

I felt I had to see both Estella and Miss Havisham before taking Magwitch abroad. When I arrived at Estella's London home, I found that she had gone to stay with Miss Havisham, and so I went by coach to the old town I knew so well.

I stopped at the hotel for breakfast on the way. I was not happy to discover Bentley Drummle there, and I could imagine his reason for visiting. When he noticed me, he immediately called out to the waiter, loud enough so I could hear, "Listen, you! The lady isn't going riding today. And remember, I'm not having dinner here tonight, I'll be at the lady's." Then Drummle smiled wickedly at me, knowing that his words cut me to the heart. He left, shouting for his horse.

I was so angry with him that if he had spoken Estella's name, I would have hit him. I was also depressed about my future and I could not eat my breakfast. I went straight to the old house instead.

There I found Miss Havisham and Estella sitting in the same room, with the candles burning the same as usual.

"Miss Havisham," I said, "I'm here to tell you that I'm as unhappy as you ever wanted me to be. I know now who has been paying for my education. I also know I shall never be rich, or important. Why this is so isn't my secret, but another person's." I stopped, wondering what to say next.

"Go on," said Miss Havisham. She looked very interested in my unhappiness.

"I thought it was you, Miss Havisham, who had given me my fortune! And you encouraged me in my mistake!"

"I've no reason to be kind to anybody after all I've suffered!" cried Miss Havisham angrily.

"Yes, you're right," I said quickly, to calm her. "But you've also encouraged your relations to believe that I am receiving some of your fortune after your death."

"And why shouldn't I?" she cried wildly.

"But Matthew Pocket and his son are different than the others. They aren't selfish or greedy, but generous and honest. I want you to know that."

She looked carefully at me. "And what is it you want for them?"

My cheeks were red when I replied. "I would like you to help Herbert become a partner in his company. Two years ago, I started paying for this myself—and I want to keep it a secret from him. But now I won't be able to continue the payments. I can't explain why. It's part of the other person's secret."

Miss Havisham looked first at the fire, and then at me again.

"What else do you have to say?" she asked.

I tried to control my trembling voice as I turned to Estella. "You know I love you, Estella," I said. "I have loved you dearly for a long time." She shook her head at me.

"I know I have no hope of ever being married to you, Estella. But let me say that I have loved you ever since I first saw you in this house. I think it cruel that Miss Havisham encouraged me to hope all this time while I was learning to be a gentleman, but I don't think she meant to be unkind."

Estella was very calm. She replied, "What you said doesn't touch my heart. I've warned you that I can't feel love as you do, haven't I?"

"Yes," I answered miserably, "but I still don't believe it."

"It's how I was raised."

"Estella, I know that Bentley Drummle is in town here. Is he having dinner with you tonight?"

"Yes, it's true," she answered, a little surprised that I knew.

"But you don't love him, Estella!" I cried.

"Don't you listen to what I've said to you? I can never love anyone!" And then she added, "If you must know the truth, I'm going to marry him."

This was more than I could bear and I covered my face with my hands. After a moment I lifted my head and cried to her, "Don't give yourself away to an animal like him! There must be others who love you who are a thousand times better. Any of them—but not Drummle!"

"I won't marry a man who wants me to love him. Drummle will do well enough as my husband. Anyway, you will soon forget me."

"Never, Estella! You are in every line I read, in every view I see, in every dream I dream. You are a part of me and until the last hour of my life, you will remain part of me. God bless you and God forgive you!" I kissed her hand and held it to my lips for a moment. Estella's beautiful face had a look of wonder as I was leaving, but Miss Havisham was staring at me with both pity and guilt.

I had to calm my feelings so I walked all the way back to London. The gates to my house at Temple were always closed, and I had to get the night watchman to let me inside. He gave me an envelope that was addressed to me. Inside, in Wemmick's hand writing, it said: "DON'T GO HOME."

(end of section)